peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
