Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
