I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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