it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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