I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
