I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
