the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
