I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
