someone threw a dead crab at me
I am puke
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
