I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
