you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
