On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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