you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
