im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
