I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
