It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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