In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
