YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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