I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize