Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
