she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
