you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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