can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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