I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
