96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
whose parrot is this?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
