I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
