All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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