I wish my penis had an off switch
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
