I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize