I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
