Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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