Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
