I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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