I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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