He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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