Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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