you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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