Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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