I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
