i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
