I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
