Do you still have your period?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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