my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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