mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
