you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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