Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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