he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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