Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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