Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
