there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
