fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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