If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
