I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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