Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
