toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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