I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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