I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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