Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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