Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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