meet me or not, i'm out of control
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
