I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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