Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
