I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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