god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
