where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You made out with two different species that night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
