My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
